Still Single? What's Wrong with You?

^{I HAVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED, AND NEITHER HAVE I EVER BEEN DIVORCED.
I Corinthians 7:8, "}But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain (single) even as I am."

Years ago Elisabeth Elliot spoke at a women's conference at my church where I served as her tech attendant for speaking at the podium. In one of her sessions, I nearly fell off of the front row pew when I heard her say that she didn't care for "dating" and that it is a man-made tradition no where found in the Word of God. Suddenly everything I ever felt about this topic and the discomfort of the expectation of having a relationship made perfect sense and applauded the Lord and her for making my life whole at that moment. Everyone there, married or single, divorced or widowed, all came into hearty agreement as she dispelled some of the mess we have created by interacting dynamics of men and women outside of the Biblical way. She was a great proponent on the providence of God when it comes to marriage in her writing, supernaturally put together in a manner other than dating, based on her own experiences and that of many others. That moment was a life changer for me and took all the pressure off of explaining myself. Dating never did nor does not gel with my spirit. Thank you Elisabeth - I cannot wait to convene again with you in glory!

Having "never married" for my nearly 53 years of life, by choice,  I have gained some vast first-hand insight after being on the receiving end of a broad range of assumptions from those who often make a swinging attempt to sum up the world of "single-hood". Some of this ideation by others sits somewhere on the grid from absolute encouragement and confirmation all the way to the opposite end with a summary of preconceived notions falling totally flat of any kind of reality. If I may, much of the time it's even down right insulting with ridiculous conclusions as to "what's wrong with you, why aren't you married?"

My response is: "Excuse me, you mean to ask, what is RIGHT with me?"

How is it a wrong thing that I haven't made an error in marriage and divorce to add to the world's statistics? How is it wrong that I followed the leading of the Spirit and am truly at peace and enjoy, if not further covet, being free! As someone who doesn't like to be branded a "type of" other than a highly unique individual, I get a bit weary of being classified as married, or single, or widowed, or divorced, as if the only way to file a person's identity is by their marital status.  Aren't we all valuable persons, above and beyond that of a marital status? According to God's Word, there are benefits to marriage AND singleness, and yet, there are stern warnings and a guidelines in particular for those that are in a covenant bond of marriage. There are numerous verses on the bride of Christ, the church's role as a spouse to Jesus and her conduct and preparation for His return, as well as our conduct as individuals making up the collective body of the bride.

How many stories of those that got married thinking that this was the next step in life, and the cure for their ailments, find out that they have now compounded their existing issues with involving another imperfect human being into the equation? Being whole as a person long before marriage is a highly favorable state to be in as it allows us to function as an individual dependent on the Lord as our source of completion, but is a state we rarely find in reality as it's usually the nuptials and all that ebbs and flows with that experience that ends up being the teacher. Marriage comes with it, a huge spotlight where faults and strengths are quickly revealed.  God knew this, hence why all the verses dedicated to maneuvering through such a highly important interpersonal bond.

Fortunately some of us had that one figured out, that marriage is a serious commitment, and have had a chance to seriously consider not getting into a romantic interlude that produces heartache, if one is not really a candidate for marriage. However it's still necessary to address with an answer many of the misguided thoughts and comments from others on this who don't understand as listed below. Bear with me if you are married, you need to see this as well .... True story, I have heard these very words below in many instances from people throughout the years.

RESPONSES TO WHAT MANY BELIEVE ABOUT SINGLENESS:

"You are still single (or single again), so you must be anxious for marriage. Isn't attending weddings hard for you? You are attractive and funny, but not married, what's wrong with you? You must not be 'ready' yet for marriage (aka; mature enough)."

My response: I stand in awe and in deep solid respect for marriage, so that is one area I simply choose to approach with a reverent caution, not only to allow God's perfect timing, but to allow myself and someone I may meet, to evolve to that place of being ready. And oh please, aren't we all adults here and able to think outside the box? This is the 21st century folks, have we not seen that the average age for marrying has shifted onto much later in life than ever before? News flash, much of singleness can and is by choice and not because there is something wrong, or that we aren't mature enough, or that we are secretly gay, or that we aren't good enough, or whatever other thing is assumed about someone else who is not just like the others that want to head to the altar.  Some of us have had a history of rip-roaring tough interactions with the opposite sex in our lives and marriage looks more like a noose around the neck rather than a haven of partnership. I don't see an answer to anything for loneliness and wholeness in marriage - I simply see WORK that isn't priority on the list for a sign up for some of us.

If anything, waiting for the right time and place to marry in our lives, even if much later, is a strong indication of wisdom, depth, and character about approaching carefully a decision that can shape the rest of a person's life. If one happens to marry earlier and it's successful, praise be to God, but, for those that have a mission before and outside of marriage for the time being or even for life, as well, praise be to Him. We can be the most mature people in the world, but marriage requires a much steeper demand on those that are feeling particularly drawn to it in the immediate realm. Two different callings, with two very different lists of what is required for both - so the lesson here, and please let it stick >>>> being single doesn't mean something is broken, and that marriage is the fix.

Let's not forget one other factor. Life is vastly different from the 1940s, 50s, and 60s and we surely can't exclude the blended family life out there. Blending lives can be a major gift for some and yet a tough area forced upon others. That can and does influence us vastly as to decisions on even wanting to look at marriage as an option for ourselves due to the "what-if" factor. Realistically, what is woefully apparent here is that we teach that marriage is easy enough to dissolve in divorce, but in the spiritual realm, it truly is a tearing asunder and it changes the fabric of a person's history to one they didn't plan on encountering, especially when children are involved. Anymore, it's not unusual for someone who has reached middle age to have been married and divorced more than once by the age of 40.

For me personally, having witnessed first hand the fall out of sixteen divorces in my immediate family, including that of my own parents, so my enthusiasm for wedded bliss has been curtailed to a sobering reminder of the 50/50 statistic that marriages will not survive. As I said before, I respect it, I'm just not sure it's for me right now, or ever. Not everyone will respond such as I have, some will embrace marriage and have a successful and balanced experience with it, however, some have known the plague of the aftermath of the generational curse of divorce.

"Maybe you are afraid to get married - aren't you lonely?"

One of the most critical and rare truths that we might completely forget and seem to look down on is that SOME of us are actually CALLED to singleness and are vastly fulfilled in that calling. Didn't Paul pose this fact in I Corinthians that it is "good to remain even as I" - meaning single, and focused on God's work and that it is indeed meant to imply that there are tremendous advantages to being untethered to another life. Look up the word "good" in the passage Paul wrote on the subject and you will be met with a deep definition in the Greek that will set the record straight - "good" καλός kalós, kal-os'; of uncertain affinity; properly, beautiful, but chiefly (figuratively) good (literally or morally), i.e. valuable or virtuous (for appearance or use, and thus distinguished from G18, which is properly intrinsic):—X better, fair, good(-ly), honest, meet, well, worthy. (Blue Letter Bible). https://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/Lexicon/Lexicon.cfm?strongs=G2570&t=KJV

"Unwed" means time for the work of the Lord (aka: ministry, fun, travel, freedom, peace, friendships, a career, etc). Although marriage itself is also the work of the Lord, yes, more often we are busy trying to please an imperfect partner as opposed to being able to please a perfect God. This is exactly what Paul meant in the Word. Often times when I have given a relationship a spin, I have found it to be a complete distraction and almost invariably a means to an end for heartbreak I never wanted to invite into my world to begin with - I have learned a great deal from both bad and good relationships.

Recently in the news, Vice President Mike Pence was criticized for being so "extreme" in his conservative approach about honoring his wife. The man is remaining pure and true to his bride, and naturally, the media who is blatantly liberal, would make a mockery of such an incredible gesture of depth and wisdom. Naturally the current media has a habit of twisting something sacred into a sin. If I may take the liberty, fellow Christians, you also have a tendency to turn the call to singleness into something "extreme", or wrong, as if it's a sin or that we aren't settled down or avoiding true bliss of holy matrimony. But some of us just don't feel that it's bliss ... I see more work than I do harmony in most marriages. Let's not twist God's goodness and providence for another to look like a handicap when in fact, it's quite the opposite. Chew on that for a bit.

"You are divorced. What happened you failure you?"

So much goes into the reason of divorce, and often we hear that one person wanted out while the other fought hard to keep it together. What if the single you are making remarks toward had indeed wanted to stay married? What if they are in anguish and feeling trampled on at the moment with being rejected by a spouse? What good does it do to dive into a situation you haven't lived in nor have the fortitude to understand the million pieces of the puzzle that landed this person into a place that broke a covenant bond?

I hate divorce, it has been a huge part of the fabric of my life with a dozen and 1/2 divorces in my immediate world, but just as much, I have seen some that never truly wanted a split have to face the fact ... it's over.  It's a sad day when a certificate of divorce is issued, and my advice to others, is to take some time to imagine what it would be like if their spouse decided to part ways against their will, or equally as tough, if something extreme happened to tear them apart like the loss of a child, a cheating partner, or a spouse that claimed to be truly gay, or an abuser, or a mental break down. Putting ourselves into the shoes of another with situations that are different from ours can help us use a little sympathy and consideration to keep quiet and not blame and point fingers. Also, even if you did survive a tough test and your marriage is in tact, not everyone may have the same fortitude to hold it together as the next couple.

"You are a widow. Have you thought of dating someone? You can love again - let's set you up with this guy I know."

What if they are a widow, and it's a wickedly raw time for them grieving the loss of someone not even wanting to entertain the thought of remarriage, yet, everyone around them is trying to push them into something new before they are ready? The word says to watch out for the orphans and the widows and let young widows remarry. But God's timing is the key here. More widows are taken advantage of by financial predators than we can imagine. They also can be feeling low and lonely and taken advantage of emotionally which can lead to a new situation that is a disaster. I have seen this happen first hand.

Zechariah 7:10, "Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless,
The alien or the poor.
Let none of you plan evil in his heart
Against his brother.'"

Screening well someone that comes into a widow's life is very important and being a friend to speak truth BEFORE they get involved can help prevent a problem. Some remarry after widowhood and it's lovely, but a person wanting to connect two people for a possibility should approach it with loving prayer and serious separation from one's own perception of what they would want compared to what is best for the widow and widower. Give people room to not have to owe an explanation and to not have to prove anything with being in a relationship. My mother when she was first widowed was approached by someone who knew she had spent years caring for my step-father, and said "well now maybe you will have time to work your business."

Wow - although this was not about seeing a person in dating, and more about how time would be spend working instead, it hit my mother's broken and raw heart, very hard. Needless to say, my respect for that question-asker dropped a few notches - (long story) she knew better and let the greed of money rule her motive for asking above the voice of the Spirit that said "approach with caution". Being widowed, for however long it takes, does not amount to having the zeal to get up and run a business, or endless time to fill in a way a non grieving person might perceive ... grieving is a big valley and needs to be travelled through without outside expectations. Let them heal and please don't make sweeping judgements in a place that can turn out to be an act of the mouth that is completely absent-mindedly insensitive.

For more on the scores of verses on widowhood to consider from the Bible - click on the Blue Letter Bible website to read: https://www.blueletterbible.org/search/search.cfm?Criteria=widow+fatherless&t=NKJV#s=s_primary_0_1

"You don't have children, you must feel empty and sad. You never gave your parents children, they must be grieving."

Just don't go there.

If there has ever been one that is as stinging and wickedly demeaning, but not for reasons you might think, it's been this type of ridiculous assumption that blatantly proves a lack of basic 101 manners. Maybe a man or woman was married and is single now and had a harrowing issue with infertility to the point they divorced. Maybe someone truly wanted children more than anything else, and they DO want marriage FIRST before babies, but God has not brought that into their lives yet. What if someone has had to survive and look back on an assault in their lives that yielded an unwanted pregnancy they elected to allow to come to full term and then gave up that little one for adoption or even regrets an act of abortion? The list goes on and on of the what-ifs. What a field of landmines we step onto when we make such strong judgements of others of which we know so very little.

Remember Hannah in the Word who was in earnest pain over wanting a child and was constantly harassed by Peninnah over Hannah's lack of ability to conceive. Hannah was far more holy than I would have been, as I probably would have knocked Peninnah backwards for her verbal heckling. Be careful about inflaming a wound ... steer clear and don't be a Peninnah ... a source of greater pain and immature annoyance, for you might warrant a response you weren't prepared to receive.

Then there are those of us that never were given the basic DNA to desire children. Yes, it crosses my minds, and yes I have the making of a mother's heart, but it's not something I feel I missed out on by actually birthing a baby. I am abundantly aware of the work that goes into marriage and parenting, but often if one is called to other things, the Lord pairs that calling with a satisfying life that even viewing children as a part of, would be an impairment, rather than a necessary part of the picture. The desire has simply not been in the womb to want to procreate and I know for a fact that many share that same viewpoint. If one wants children, generally they are wired for it and want to live up to all the demands that are required for parenting.

On a more personal note, and rarely do I share this for the sake of respect for the source where I came from, one of my beloved family members gave me a look years ago, addressing me out of ear shot of others with a sneering demeanor about my "lack" to provide a grandchild for my parents. Yes, I forgive, but the condescending nature of this moment nearly sliced me in half and told me more about her lack of depth of maturity and kindness than anything else. She was no where close to understanding what this girl's perception was of things. Unbeknownst to either one of us, God was about to usher an amazing and holy season into my life. My holy Father preserved me to Himself for that very reason.  I wouldn't have skipped what the Lord was about to bless me with for that of a wedding ring, even if it were wrapped in Tiffany blue with a dazzling man to offer it to me on one knee with a Bentley as a getaway car. There will be time for that later, if it's meant to be. The gift God gave for the time being, was and still is far superior to my being married and I thank the Lord often to the point He might tire of hearing of my gratitude. The ministry opportunity given, was a rare gem, and many others saw quickly, what the Lord had been prepping me for since I was a very young girl.

"You are single, you must struggle financially and need a man to take care of you. Your knight in shining armor has yet to come along." 

Insert eye roll. Let's make something clear, it's not that women don't want or need men, it's rather the fact we have more opportunities open to us to make money in this particular day and age than ever before, married or not. Finances really aren't as pivotal a part of the decision to marry like they used to be. So many women from long ago jumped from home with their parents as caretakers into a home with a husband as a caretaker. Not that this is bad, it may have worked out great for many, but sometimes women got married, just to get married to escape their home, and then ended up in very unhappy situations with abuse, cheating, and more, and with few learned skills in order to make it on their own if faced with that challenge later after divorce or being widowed. It's a bitter pill to rely on someone else when it's not God's plan or His best.

Personally, I just cleared well over seven figures in my little company in revenue. No man did it, but God and God alone through my fingers, through ridiculously unmercifully hard work, and with the aid of incredibly talented souls I have hired along the way. My clients are fabulous and I serve them with zeal and commitment, as a perfectly imperfect woman. I have much to be grateful for in this growth cycle, but not sure if marriage would have aided or hindered this amazing business experience for me and so many that benefited from it.

Most of the small start-up businesses in America, are founded, run and managed by ... women. The majority of women outlive men, so at some point, they will be single again even if they marry. Statistics and data speak for themselves! Does it mean, we wouldn't welcome some relief financially along with the blessing of companionship and someone to love at some point? Not at all, but the options for truly Godly men to marry any more, are pretty rare. Women have been forced to do what they have to in order to care for themselves, because we don't teach our men to be strong but gentle men, and women to be strong but submissive ladies as much as we should. Chew on that one one awhile. Far too often, women have no choice, but to be strong - either single or as single parents, and men are threatened by that fact, and it's a catch-22 in a way for a female to have to be strong and provide for herself but not be a threat to a male ego. The key here is ... if a man is threatened by a woman's ability, he is NOT the man for her.

And can we please drop the "knight in shining armor -life of paradise falsehood"? People, that is the world of Barbie and Ken. Yes, I know there are some tremendous marriages out there, but we set our girls and boys up for a huge let down and unrealistic expectations teaching them to pin their hopes on a person alone, rather than that of the man Jesus Christ who never disappoints.  Then when spouses disappoints, we bail out! No we should never settle, but again, we need to be careful about making someone fit the role of a saint that is just as capable of the same issues of failures and triumphs we ourselves have - no one is called to fix another person. Also along that line, let's stop pressuring individuals we might set up, as if they need to walk out of their first date with an engagement ring and a wedding date set. It's ridiculous and I personally avoid being "hooked up" on dates because of that type of pressure alone. The last time I did, I allowed myself to stay in a relationship far too long as to not disappoint everyone around me and it ended up being a very painful ending for he and I when we realized this was not the right match.

Having once been the people pleaser I was, yes it can really go that far - I was engaged as he was an excellent candidate for a husband, but we simply were not compatible over all. No one can choose for me what only God can with the perfect fit.

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My hope is that your brief read through this will give you insight and open new understanding that marriage isn't a fit for everyone just as singleness isn't either. Let's support each other, not put a label of inferiority on either situation, as we all have a calling to fulfill be it with a spouse on earth or THE heavenly Spouse that is perfect out of heaven. Pray and think before speaking ... and ...  remember what "assume" spells ...